There's been a lot going on in my life lately. Everything is in a constant state of flux. Things have been going great lately. Great job, great friends, gallery show, etc. About 1.5 months ago though, things weren't so great. I had no job, was drawing unemployment and barely scraping by to pay all the bills.

I had someone to count on, though. My roommate was the most awesome roomie anyone could have. She was great - a model even - and she stayed out of my way and never ate my food. Low maintenance and totally down to Earth. My best friend of more than four years.

During this time, yeah, I paid some bills late. Living on my own since I was 17, I quickly figured out that there are some things, sometimes, that just have to wait. But everything always got paid. The last eight months, everything got paid. Maybe a day or two late the past three months, but ALWAYS paid. Never a lapse in power or cable and I'm still being allowed to live in my house, so obviously that was paid, too.

During this time, I used most of the power. And all the cable. So I charged my roommate about 1/3 of the power bill and paid the cable on my own. When rent had to be late (like when my unemployment check didn't come before the 1st) I ALWAYS paid the late fees out of my own pocket, too. I didn't want to worry the roomie with these things as she had enough going on in her own life. I just took care of it all.

And then....well, I'm not even sure what happened or what I did. I did so much. So much it fucking hurts now. She decided her leech of a boyfriend was much more important than I was. She was never at home, hardly ever spoke to me and just assumed everything on my end was fine. Granted, I never said otherwise, but...fuck, she's my best friend. She should have known. At least, if she was paying attention at all. Er, she WAS my best friend.

I watched her change as she got more modeling jobs. The down to Earth person I knew was fading away and I was beginning to see this prima donna with an "I fell from the stars" attitude. Yet, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want drama. I just wanted to live my life and work to make it better, hoping it was just a phase for her. She's younger than I am and I remember, a couple of years ago when I was that age, all I wanted to do was party, too. So I chalked it up to that.

But it got worse. And soon I was hearing things from other people as well - other photographers, even. Hell, she even went all crazy on a very good friend of mine because of a misunderstanding - thinking he wanted her to be a "masturbating ballerina" in her photographs. Knowing him as well as I do, I know exactly what he was looking for and she took it wrong. Very wrong. And he NEVER would have asked her to do those things because he knew she wasn't comfortable with it. He simply told her she wasn't what he was looking for anymore. *shrug* Life goes on. But not before she badmouthed him and deleted him from her life.

I worry now that the same thing will happen to me and I'll have photogs and models coming to me saying things like that. I wouldn't sabotage her career. She'll do that on her own.

It came to a head Monday, when she flipped out because the power bill had been paid late and she couldn't turn it on at her new place (which btw, our lease here isn't up until May 31). She told me she didn't trust me, accused me of taking her money and not paying rent - which is absurd since I'm still obviously living here, told me I "better" do this and I "better" do that, etc. She told me I couldn't "get off my ass and get a job" when she's the one who cannot hold employment for longer than a period of six months. Yeah, I could have had a job in a week, but I waited. I got criticized a little, but I waited. And you know what?? I *LOVE* my job now. I waited until I got what I wanted - good pay, good location, great staff, benefits, amenities and great hours.

I had a feeling things were going to go sour, so I didn't pay rent. I just felt like I was going to need money soon....like felt it in my gut. And when I get those feelings, I go with them. It'll be paid Friday, with the late fees. It's taken care of. But I was right. She told me Monday she was shutting off the power (in her name) regardless of what I needed (or the fact that I was working on this gallery show, couldn't take a hot shower, couldn't cook any food, couldn't heat my home, couldn't use my laptop, etc.). She was going to leave me high and dry and just didn't fucking give a damn.

This all started a while back when I told her I had a condo to move into but I needed a place to stay for two months. She never even hesitated when she told me no.

It was at that point that I was done. Why? Well......because I loved this girl like a sister I never had. From the bottom of my fucking soul, I loved her. I'd do for her without another question. I'd help her kill someone and bury the body. When she needed something, I dropped everything. And then, a few days ago, I get this: "Well I don't know what you've done for me lately that has been even mentionable."

Well, let's go there: I've played taxi (in my v8 Dodge) without even pressing her for gas money, I've played soup kitchen - when she told me she had no food and was hungry, I cooked her a t-bone steak dinner, spaghetti, burritos and a whole slew of other things. I played hair stylist, dying her hair when I was really too tired, I played esthetician waxing her face for her. I played FREE photographer on a daily basis sometimes (mind you, always when SHE had an idea she needed to come to fruition but then when I wanted her to help me out she was always busy). I played tow truck, towing her broke ass car to my shop to be fixed where she left it for a month until they were ready to junk it. I played shrink, listening to her whine about how much of an inconsiderate jerk her boyfriend was. I played escort to her shoots when no one else would go. I played bartender, buying wine for her to drink when she needed a break. I played promoter, telling other photogs how great she was.

I played best friend. Those are the things a best friend does, right? I didn't do these things to get something back. I did them because I loved her so much and she meant the world to me. I never asked anything in return. Except the occasional gas money and for a place to stay for two months until my own condo was ready. Oh, and for her to wait four days to turn off my power.

And now I'm the bad person because I paid some bills late. *I'M* a child because I was upset that she was turning of my power with less than 24 hours notice.

She told me the only thing I can teach her is never to trust anyone with her stuff.

Well, I'm done trying to help and teach people. It appears I cannot teach her anything anyway because she is too ignorant, self-absorbed and immature to learn anything from anyone right now. I won't be here when things don't go right. I'm not playing rescuer any longer. When you're hungry, use some of that booze/club/party money to buy some food.

Life will teach its own lessons and she'll have to learn the hard way. I finally understand what another friend has been saying to me all along regarding myself....

*sigh*

I got some great friends out of this thanks to her.

I guess some people are just bridges. This was a long one. And the way back is on fire.