The greatest man I've ever known suddenly died one year ago today. His name was Ken Akers and he was a riveting photojournalist...and he was my mentor and best friend.

I had to work 12 hours today. I requested the day off because I knew that I would have trouble pulling it together. I was nearly half an hour late to work this morning. The day just got worse and worse, but I'll spare you the details.

Ken introduced me to my first digital camera. He loaned me his Nikon DH1 - a large, steel reinforced, heavy monster of a thing. He also trusted me with his beloved - the 105mm f/1.8 lens with a very low serial number. I fell in love. With Ken and with the Nikon Digital. He allowed me to make payments on the D70s I have now (which he had never done).

His death was sudden. It was a heart attack that left him without oxygen and thus, brain dead. I suppose I really lost him on October 19th; the day of his heart attack, but the 24th is the day they shut off his life support.

Ken taught me ... "a lot" is an understatement and "more things that I can count" is cliche. So I'll just say...

Ken taught me.

He taught me just about everything I know about photography today. And more importantly, he taught me to TEACH MYSELF. RTFM was his favorite answer for everything.

He taught me to live life. There are VERY few things in my life that I regret. Ken made that cliche about regretting the things I haven't done ring true for me. I never told him how much I loved him or how I enjoyed our time together. YES I KNOW! that he already knew it. But that doesn't fucking matter, does it?!

I went to his funeral and regretted it. But I probably would have regretted it more if I hadn't gone. You see, Ken was my first dead person. Until him, no one in my life who was really close to me had died.

Ken taught me about death. I'm still not sure I know how to deal with it. But who does? The last time I saw him was around September 8th or so. A little more than a month later, he was on life support. What I did learn is that I should ALWAYS tell someone how I feel about them because I may never get another chance. That's the reason my godmother is speaking to me again and why she allowed me to shoot her daughter's senior portraits this summer.

I worry sometimes that I'll forget things. Details. Memories. Tiny little things that meant so much. It's only been a year, but I can't remember what his voice sounded like anymore. It took me a moment to remember the name of the Nikon he loaned me. I fear that time and age will rob me of these things that are precious to me.

I think I am going to stop here. This subject leads me to things I'm not ready to think about yet, like when my mother will die.



Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Ken's favorite bar, where we spent most of our time. It's called Time Out Lounge. A couple of his friends will probably meet me there. I'll have a Coors Light for him.

G'night everybody.

...to say a few things. LOL

I think I'm clinically depressed. No, really. I do. There's definitely something wrong with me. Still can't get a job, no matter how hard I try. On my first unemployment extension...thank God for that, at least. Bills piling up. I've applied everywhere. My significant other is struggling to pick up slack. That's not fair...he's got his own life to run.

Back in contact with an old friend. Interesting, but a good thing because she makes me laugh. Good shoots lately (which I'll be posting images of over the next few weeks). Goes to show that everything is in a constant state of flux.

Have another gallery show next month (October). I was asked for some black and white photography by the curator of Soul Invictus...the first gallery I ever had a piece in. So I said sure why not. I just happen to have some great black and white stuff right now.

Also...I find it interesting that I was asked to do the October show. I've decided to hang Untitled 2.0 as one of my black and white pieces for the show. October 24th will be one year since the sudden death of my mentor, photojournalist Ken Akers. I feel it's a good way to pay homage to a great man.

Opening night is First Friday Art Walk in Downtown Phoenix, October 2nd. (This Friday) It starts around 6pm. I'll be at the gallery, which is located at 1022 NW Grand Avenue, Phoenix, Arizona 85007. Basically Roosevelt and 11th Ave. Feel free to stop by an see me!

STILL working on the Mon Desir. Money, money, money. I need it.

I think that's all for now.

Namaste.

I returned home from Oregon on Friday with a renewed sense of where my life is going. I know now that I was meant to do this. I don't believe in destiny, but I DO believe in my own ability to recognize when something has been calling to me for nearly 20 years.

I went to Southern Oregon to find out whether this restaurant venture is viable. And it is.

Originally, I wanted to purchase the 100 year old Mon Desir building and the 2.74 acres it sits upon. In the two weeks of my visit, I found out many interesting things. The most important of which is that the current owners of the building are willing to invest the capital it requires to bring this building up to working code. Nearly one million dollars worth of new flooring, ceilings, walls, wiring, window glass and foundation work.

Overhead is $5000 a month. That's $60k a year. I've done the demographic research and I believe that, once up and running, this restaurant can make 80-100k a month, after all expenditure. It is within ten miles of five hotels, an airport and the I5 freeway - not to mention over 2000 businesses. It is directly across from a 62-home development that is fully occupied. The owners actually own the lot to the north of the building and are planning on building a three-story set of condominiums. I can put all of this on paper and in my business plan.

If that's not enough to make a business successful, I don't know what is. I can do staffing, menu planning, advertising, etc. There are some things I don't know about...like accounting and insurance areas, but I can learn and, ultimately, hire a payroll service.

Now, in order for me to lease this place and get repairs rolling, I need to show the owners my finances on paper.

Eeep. I don't have finanaces. Now what?

Well, I'm pulling my hair out trying to get information about business grants and loans. I have figured that I need at least $500,000 for the kitchen equipment, tables, chairs, china, etc. - and expenditure for the first year, including payroll, utilities and goods. I'd like to have $750,000 just to be safe, because things always come up.

The problem is, all of the research that I've done regarding money has taken me to working capital. I need seed money. Then start up money and ... hopefully not working capital. This can be done. I just...don't know how.

My credit is...

I need to get this ball rolling. I am going to contact my local SBA and SCORE offices.

The bottom line is, I need help. I learned a few years ago that it's okay to say those words and it's okay to say "I don't know how". I've asked a friend of mine who is a successful (and multiple) bar owner for some guidance. Aside from that, I feel lost.

-----

On another note, next Tuesday (September 15th) is Ken's birthday. And coincidentally, also the day that his father (retired Army Special forces Green Beret) died in his arms. Every year on that day, Ken would come in and drink the only whiskey he ever drank, in a boiler maker. Jack Daniels (chilled) shot dropped into half a pint of Draft Coors Light.

Thirty-nine days after Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of Ken's death. I've got a couple of dark days approaching and I am just going to muddle through them knowing that my life is better for having him in it, and that my photography is better than it has ever been, thanks to him.

Needless to say, I'll be having my own boiler maker on those two days, keeping with the tradition.

Namaste.


***EDIT***

One more thing.... if you'll notice, I'm about three days from running out of subscription Unfortunately, I am practically starving since I was laid off and cannot afford another one at this time. If there are any generous souls out there who can support my addiction for a while, I would be deeply indebted.

TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest



TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTest


TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTest
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTest
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest Test
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest Test
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest Test

TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTest
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTest
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTestTest
TestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTestTest TestTestTestTest

It's been a while. I just finally got my internet up and running again. I'm really tired, but I can't sleep.

Some time ago, I decided I really need to do something with my life. I'm 27 years old and I still feel like I've accomplished nothing. Sure, my photography is pretty darn good, but it could be a lot better. The older I get, the more I see it turning into a hobby. It pains me to say such things, especially coming up on the one year anniversary of the death of my mentor. I'm sure he would understand. Some have what it takes and some don't, he'd say. Or he might tell me to get my head out of my ass. There's plenty of time for that.

I've never really been a "test the waters" kind of person. I don't just stick my big toe in to see if it's too cold. I just cannonball right in, usually knowing it's colder than the Arctic Ocean. This time is no exception.

Let me introduce you to a dream I've had since I was a girl.
Her name is Mon Desir.

The above is the website that was created by the people who are now trying to lease (or hopefully sell) the building. You can see the photograph at the top of the page.

You can see many other photographs here: [link]
Some kids (er, sorry, independent filmmakers) decided they were going to make a horror movie inside. What I saw from their news clips was a bunch of kids being disrespectful by slamming doors and stomping around.

Mon Desir was built in 1910 (about to celebrate its centennial). It wasn't a restaurant back then; it was a mansion built for a family that owned a large peach orchard in Southern Oregon. It was open as a restaurant until the late 70's or early 80's, as far as I know.

This building has been bought and sold at least four times, to my knowledge. Many have had plans like myself; to open it as a restaurant and wedding venue. The Mon Desir is nine thousand square feet and has a tower to one side that I would love to use for private dining.

What I am doing now is gathering information for my business plan. I am flying to Oregon on Monday to go over demographics and do area analysis. I've spoken with the realtor and the owners say they want to rent the place for $5k a month. However, he said they might sell. I want to purchase the Mon Desir and restore her to her former glory (with contemporary flair, of course).

I need to get inside and have a contractor, architect and an electrician come in to give me estimates of what it will take to bring this building up to code.

Everything is gone. There is no kitchen equipment, no tables and chairs, no lighting fixtures...it's even missing some of the windows.

I have yet to find out what this building (sitting on 2.74 acres) is going to cost, but I figure I'm going to need somewhere in the ballpark of $1.35 - $1.5 million to cover my net and expenditures for one year.

I've looked at private equity lenders, angels, firms and the Oregon Investment Fund. I need money. And I need that old cliche of "It takes money to make money" not to hang around because I have NO money. I don't even know anyone who could GET this kind of money. Well one person, but he's smart enough to stay away from this. LOL

So, I've jumped in without a life preserver and I am hoping I don't get stuck up a shit creek without a paddle.


***If ANYONE reading this has any ideas of how I might gain this type of capital, please, please, please do not hesitate to comment or send me an email!***


Time to go. I've got a busy day ahead of me. As always, thanks for listening.

Namaste.