i never believed in dreaming
it never got me very far
i never believed that love could find me
like an arrow through the heart
i never believed in miracles
or building castles in the air
not until that day I found you
turned around and you were there
from the day you came you gave me a whole new point of view.
i've been touched by an angel
it's impossible but true.

i believe in you
i swear that forever from today
no one will ever take your place.
i believe in you
and I believe our love will last always

i never believed in fairy tales
though sometimes I wish I could
i never believed that golden slippers could ever find the perfect foot
i never believed in magic
or that wishes could come true,
but your very first kiss changed all this
something only you could do
you made me a believer
you made me trust again
you showed me there's a pot of gold
at every rainbow's end

i believe in you
i swear that forever from today
no one will ever take your place
i believe in you
and I believe our love will last always

only love sets you free
and if it's up to fate
then you're my destiny
now I know
now I see
anything can happen
if you just believe

i believe in you
i swear that forever from today
no one will ever take your place
i believe in you
and I believe our love will last
always


I was asked why I love you today. You know they say that if you can pick out actual things about a person, it's not really love. The truth is, everything about you dumbfounds me. If I had to pick one thing, it would be last night, when I said I love you, because you didn't say it back. Your loyal and respectful nature is so appealing to me because it's not something you find every day. It's rare and special; just like you. Everything else is just a bonus.

I smile every time I think of you. I just can't help myself. You make me so incredibly happy. It's like this morning [after getting caught just sleeping in your bed at 3am in your dad's house] when you dropped me off. You said, "What was I supposed to do?" It's the same for me. I don't know anything other than the intense need to be near you...to touch you and smell you and hold you and hear your voice. For forever. I could never get tired of looking at you or talking with you.

I want to take care of you - not just buy you beer and lunch once in a while. I want to hold you and quiet your fears...dry your tears. Be your equal and show you a loyalty you've never known. I want your problems to be my problems and your joys to be mine as well. And I want to be the reason for your joy, too.

I'd give anything to look into those eyes of yours every morning and every night. And the thought of how simply beautiful our daughter's eyes would be is something that brings me to tears. I've never felt this before. You make me WANT to get married and have children. For the first time I actually believe a partnership with a man could make me even more free than I already am. You have given me that and for it, I could NEVER thank you enough.

I care about all the things you have to deal with. I do wish you didn't have these issues, but I know when it's over, you'll be a better man for it. And it's my hope that it will be something that brings us closer. I can wait and I WILL wait because you are worth it to me.

Never, never forget that there is always someone who thinks you are worth everything.


PS. I'm getting REALLY annoyed that I can't change my mood from annoyed. RAWR. Well I guess it fits now, but you get what I mean! It should be like.....Smitten or something

Just a few of my favs.

Yeah, I don't want you to hold back any longer baby
Cause tonight, I'm gonna give you all the little things
I know you've been waiting for
So, brace yourself and listen

I hear you callin', "Here I come baby"
To save you, oh oh
Baby no more stallin'
These hands have been longing to touch you baby
And now that you've come around, to seein' it my way
You won't regret it baby, and you surely won't forget it baby
It's unbelieveable how your body's calling for me
I can just hear it callin' callin' for me

My Body's callin' for you
My Body's callin' for You
My Body's callin' for you
My Body's callin' for You

Tell me, what's your desire
Baby your wish is my deal oh yes it is baby
Let me take you higher
Show you how you should feel, baby
Oh So we speak now and forever hold your body
Whatever it is you want from me, baby
You see you don't have to say nothing
Knowing your body wants something
And it's easy for me to see
That your body's callin' for me

I'm listening baby
I hear you callin' me
I'm listening baby
I hear you callin' me



Anticipation is the best part, right?

Features

Just a few of my favs.

I love my dog.

Y'know why?

He doesn't care if I have morning breath.
And he doesn't care if I get emotionally attached.

Long as I feed him and throw the ball once in a while, he'll love me forever.



Now why can't all you fuckers do that???

Just a few of my favs.

A while back, I wrote this journal:

[link]

I linked it to another journal I had written before, titled "WANTED".

It's ironic how, when you get what you think you want, it's never as perfect as you think it will be. I've learned that, while there's nothing wrong with wanting all of those things in a person, there are other qualities that, if aren't present, will just muck up the whole deal. (I'm not sure if that sentence even made sense.)

Don't get me wrong, I believe my "sommelier" is a perfect balance of all the qualities I put on my list. At the same time, what I didn't add to my list was:

An introverted and anti-social male who hides behind the "I'm an asshole" explanation for everything because he was too busy reading textbooks to learn how to deal with women or relationships in general.

I am now in a situation where I have made the effort to get to know this person and I really, really like them - but it was like pulling teeth. I just don't believe that I should ALWAYS be the person to make the effort. Why should I always have to call and ask to hang out or do dinner? Ah, the answer my friends is, I shouldn't. I say I like you, I hear, "I like you, too". I never get the chance to be the one to say it second. Make sense? Just not kosher in my book. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I just don't believe that I should have to tone down and guard my feelings for fear that I might someday be in love with you and you'll never, ever tell me the truth of your own feelings.

Which brings me to the title of this journal. Bear with me while I give you a bit of back story.

I used to bartend at this bar called Sandy's Dirty Drummer. It got sold and became Yogi's Sports Bar and Grill. The new owner was...different than the old one. I was young and mouthy and our attitudes didn't mesh well. One night I called him a dick when I was off the clock and hanging out in the bar. (He was a dick for doing the thing I called him a dick for, but that's neither here nor there.) A regular told him I called him a dick and I got fired after being there for over a year.

I was great friends with the night manager (and still am). We would hang out and do lunch periodically and then I started coming back into the bar about three months ago. At this point, I hadn't worked there for nearly a year and a half. I somehow got recruited to start playing for their pool league every Wednesday night - which the owner also played on. We started talking and I was telling him how I hated my job at the resort and we ended up mending fences because I realize where he was coming from back then and I've grown up a LOT in the past two years.

A few days later, I get a phone call from the owner asking me if I wanted to come back to work there because they were losing two night time bartenders. I said sure - even though I now live a good thirty miles (one way) from the bar. So, now I work there again and I've been there about a month now.

NOW -- Back before the bar changed hands, there was a young man (a year younger than me) who was pretty much a regular there. Cute, thoughtful and sweet with beautiful cerulean blue eyes. Short for a guy, 5'6 with tiny feet! Haha I love guys with tiny feet! The first time I saw him, I was just so incredibly smitten. I was in the "off" stage with my own dramatic relationship. We ended up exchanging numbers but never really got to hang out. He is a medic in the army and was being deployed to Iraq. He was also having some serious drama with his ex (who was having his baby). I wanted to run from that issue back then, but who wouldn't?

A couple of nights before his deployment (for a year and a half - are we noticing a coincidence here?), he was in the bar drinking and drowning his sorrows thanks to the ex and his new little girl Madison who he was barely able to see and wouldn't see for the next 1.5 years. I guess he and I always had a little connection. We talked some and he was worried and lonely and I told him when he came home, there might be someone waiting for him here.

A year and a half is a long time. We talked a bit after he left, but you know how life is. I got busy and he got...gone.

So last Thursday night, I was working at Yogi's. I was writing up a tab with my back to the bar and, when I turned around, there he was.

*squealing tires* Eeerrrrrch!! Wait. Coincidence that I just happened to end up working there 1.5 years after he left? Hrmm...I don't know.

I nearly fainted. Like actually light headed. He'd put on a little muscle (yummy) and his chest had gotten bigger, but he had the same sweet blue eyes with HUGE long lashes. I looked at him and he looked at me and .... I nearly broke my neck running around the bar to hug him.

It was loud in there and I was working so it was hard to talk with him much So we ended up texting each other all night from across the bar. LOL Now is where I'm going to get all mushy so skip the next paragraph if you don't like mush!

We were talking through text message and I've always enjoyed making him blush (because he's terribly shy). So I said something about getting into his pants and he turned all red and I started laughing and I got a text back that he wasn't looking for that. And I said I'm never looking for that anymore. Up to this point, I had nearly forgotten I'd told him there might be someone waiting for him when he got back here. He text me, "I remember you telling me before I left that maybe someone would be here waiting for me when I got back".

I nearly passed out again. I was like OMG you remember that? How fucking incredibly sweet are you?! The entire time he was gone and everything else going on in his life...and he remembered that. In all honesty, it made me feel REALLY special.

So we spent time together Saturday afternoon and again last night. And the hugest difference that I noticed between him (his freakin name is Chris, btw) and my sommelier is that when Chris kissed me goodnight (heh and a lot more than goodnight), there was a connection. Passion. I felt something. With Andrew, it's nice, but it's just a kiss. Emotion is underrated. I believe you can show emotion without being emotional.

I'm trying very, very hard not to get my hopes up here. Just let it go, one day at a time.

Hahaha in other news --- tomorrow morning, I am assisting for my mentor, Ken Akers. His regular light jockey is out of town assisting someone else, so he asked me if I wanted to make a quick $250. I said HELLS YES I do. I'm a little nervous and I told him I was and he actually said he wouldn't let me fuck up. This is the true test of whether or not I can say "I don't know". I just have to remember that he wouldn't have asked me to do it if he didn't think I could. Plus, I get to watch what he does on his own corporate shoots. I'm very excited.

Anyway, this journal entry is LOOOOONG enough now. Time for more laundry.

Just a few of my favs.

...in the past 24 hours.

1. Pay attention when ~glossyworks is backing up in a ginormous Escalade, because you might end up needing a new driver's side fender.

2. Don't pick up broken glass with your bare hands, no matter how big the pieces are.

3. Corn pollen STILL affects me the same way it did when I was young; it reaches out and wraps its little corny fingers around my neck and sqeezes with all its might.

4. Orange construction cones are NOT your friend at 70mph.

5. My dog is a dickhead and prefers 8x12 prints over 4x6. I wonder how film tastes...?

6. I CAN still do outdoor shoots, even though I'm out of practice. I just need to pay attention to what's happening around me. And apparently, bring a gas mask.

7. It's not a good idea to try to melt your skin off twice in a row.

8. Always make sure to ASK permission from the pissed off farmer with no teeth driving the corn plow your direction.

[[[EDIT]]]

9. The West Side in Phoenix is officially where I'm staying forever!

Just a few of my favs.