It's been a while. I've been busy. More busy than I've ever been in my entire life, in fact. Work takes all my time. It's kind of unfortunate that I live there right now, but I suppose it's a good thing, too.

A lot has happened, but I'm only going to touch on a few things right now. Things are good. *Knocks on wood* I'm sitting at the Half Moon Sports Grill in Phoenix, drinking a Sierra Nevada and writing to you out there in InternetLand while waiting for my very good friends to get here.

I've figured a few things out recently. 1. Grieving is an on-going process. 2. I may have already encountered the "love of my life" and so it shouldn't govern my life in any way. 3. The graveyard is full of indispensable people.

1. I've started playing in a Monday night pool tournament at a bar called Lucky Devil, in addition to my Wednesday night league. Extra practice is good, along with the socialization (is that a word? lol). The bartender at Lucky Devil is my old friend Dawn. I used to work with her in a sports bar in Tempe. Dawn knew my mentor, Ken Akers. In fact, Dawn told me the other night that she had some very old Arizona Highways magazines from the early 1980's that had his photography in them. Oh, and not only did they have his pictures in them, they have an interview from when he was 28 years old. Oh and...she had him SIGN them.

Oh, and she's moving, so she offered to give them to me because she knows how close we were.

Wow. So, it's people like Dawn that help me to know that even though there are so many horrible, shitty people who do shitty things in the world...good will prevail.

She brought me a few last Monday night. It stirred up a million feelings that I suppose I must have missed in the "initial" grieving process. I realized something. I miss Ken like crazy. Duh. I think it was *subjectivevision who told me that I'll always miss him. This is a very crucial point in my life. So yeah, I miss him. He's not here to share in it.

Anyway. I've started just letting these things in here and there and when it gets to be too much, I just have a good cry and feel better. I am happy to have this stuff that is connected to him, no matter what type of emotion it may stir up.

2. On that note... about the "love of my life". Every time I've gone looking for it, or gone assuming that it was here, I've gotten majorly burned. I've figured out that I don't need it to function or survive. That's an important thing to know, I guess. I am happy with where I am and who I am with. And THAT is what matters. If I learned anything from Ken's death, it's that RIGHT NOW matters.

The love of my life? My camera. My dog. My truck. Those things will never lie to me, hurt me or burn me. They're reliable and easily taken care of. They don't care who I hang out with or how late I come home (well the dog kinda does LOL) and they don't take up more space than I want them to.

Other than that, it's very possible that the love of my life is dead. And that, my friends, is the honest-to-Gods truth. And that is okay. I've got a long life of picture-taking ahead of me and all three of those aforementioned things can come with me.

3. I've been working my ass off at work. Things have been hectic and even kind of shady at times. It's way too much to go into, but I've done my best and worked as hard as possible. I have been waiting around for another promotion that may never show up. But the fact is - and how many times have we heard this - I am happy to have a job in this economy. I thank the Gods for Food and Beverage. Everyone needs to eat. I've been a bit bitter and even sour about the fact that I've been poked and prodded with this promotion and when I'm finally close, I feel like I've fallen victim to the "carrot and stick" method. I've run, run, run and been on a treadmill. Hell, I'm not even getting cardio out of this shit - I'm gaining weight! LOL

But really, how much can you dwell on? I can't control it. I still have to tell myself "DON'T TRY TO." I am good at my job. And I continue to be.

The graveyard is full of indispensable people. I'm great at my job and yes, they'd be fucking for a couple weeks if I left or they *cough*fired me. But there are a million people out there without a job who would gladly do mine, work my hours and do it for less. So, am I completely happy? No, but they're going to think I am from now on. It's time to keep my head down and I'm smart enough to realize that, folks.


In other, quick and smaller news. Dave Matthews Band May 6th. I'm going. Got a new cream colored huge couch for $60! Got a fabulous 19 year old who is sweet and cleans and buys me things and spends time with me and isn't crazy or irresponsible!

----I could use another beer, where the hell is this waitress?!----

My camera is doing this thing where it takes a picture and then uh...loses it. That freaks me out. I talked to another Nikon user and he said that his D70 started doing that after a while. It makes you think the whole CF card is lost (but really it's just the current frame). I nearly had a fucking HEART ATTACK the first time it happened. Time for a new camera. D300 here I come ' Shhh, don't tell my D70...I still need it to work for now!!

I'm shooting as much as possible with all the events at work. I've got a shoot on Saturday with the lovely ~LaniNicole. I'm excited, as usual. Got some other stuff in the works, too. It keeps me sane. I need to do more of it.

I think that's all for now because my buddy is about to get here and I've really got to pee.

Namaste.