I don't write here very often anymore. In fact, I haven't much time to write, at all. I just don't see the point of getting myself a "blogspot" or what have you. I don't spend much time on DeviantArt anymore. However, when I feel the need to write long, drawn out thoughts about nothing, this is where I turn. Nobody reads them, anyhow.
My life, until recently, has been so amazing. I've made a hundred different life changes and, most of them, were for the better. It seems now that I have once again, made my own drama. Somehow though, it's different this time. Drama comes from high school and ... that's not where I am.
It's almost 11pm and I've had a 12 hour day and I'm exhausted, but I still need to say some things for my own peace of mind. Why post my most intimate thoughts online? Well...I have a nice community of friends here on dA and I value your comments, thoughts and opinions. And, at least for me being who I am, it actually helps to know that others have felt exactly how I do right now. When you feel so utterly alone, it's nice to not feel so alone.
So let's get to it.
I fell in love. Surprise, surprise, right? Well this isn't the same. In fact, nothing in my life matches this. That's so great, right? Well...yeah. It is. The old me would tell you how negative it is because of the events to follow. But that's not me anymore.
So I met a man, many, many years ago. He was ... riveting. I knew, the second I met him, that he was the love of my life. There were complications that I'll leave out. So about five years later, we begin slowly talking again, with more and more contact. I'm in a relationship at the time that is miserably failing, no matter what I try to do. In fact, I'm purposely avoiding my riveting man because I know what he is going to [inevitably] do to my world.
Well, I stopped avoiding him. In about ten hours, we had expressed our love for each other and the fact that we *knew* that this was it. I finally believed that crap about "when you know, you know."
A relationship ensues. It was filled with so many more emotions than I've ever been used to. It was intense and I couldn't stand being away from him. We talked about things...marriage and kids and the whole nine yards. I finally felt that I had met someone that I thought was my true equal. He was...everything I ever wanted.
Then, four days ago, he comes to my home (with what I thought was the intent of spending time with me) and tells me that he's leaving me. He says he needs time to take care of his life. This is where you'll just have to believe that there's a lot going on for him right now. He tells me how fucking amazing I am and how much I have to offer and how I've treated him better than any woman in his life ---- but...
Of course, I'm heartbroken. Worse than that, in fact. So much worse that one of my best friends had to save me from my bender of booze and sleeping pills (unintentional, of course, but dangerous nonetheless).
So we continue to talk for the next couple days and he tells me he's hurting, too and that it was so hard for him to do what he did.
I was SO SURE. More sure of this than anything in my life and....STILL sure. I called him every name I could and made him feel worse. I pushed him into not even wanting to be my friend anymore. I pushed him into needing to shut me out because he just couldn't take the heart break of figuring out how to love me and balance his life.
And then, Tuesday afternoon, I spoke to a very dear and trusted friend of mine. He told me, "things that are meant to be are timeless and worthy of patience." And at that single moment, everything clicked.
I have been such a selfish and awful person. I have seen only my pain, my resentment and my loneliness. I have been stubborn and mean. I have caused him more pain to make myself feel better. And I am so wrong.
This man gave me the BEST memories of my life. I've never laughed so much or felt like smiling. I've never felt so pretty and so worth something as I have when I was with him. I've never felt truly safe, happy and perfect, until him.
When I hear songs and all the memories come flooding in, I shouldn't be unhappy. I shouldn't feel like crying...I should be thankful that [whichever] God allowed me to experience his awesome love.
It's amazing how things change into negative when you're hurting so badly. Truth is, I'm still hurting. I'm in complete agony. But the fact is...I should smile and know that what I felt during those moments was the truest and most straightforward form of happiness.
A friend of mine said, "Well you could look at it this way; he got what he wanted." He gave me no reason to believe that he didn't feel exactly what he said he felt. So I have no reason to question it. It wasn't about that (even though the comment made me feel horrible and cheap). And...
If it is meant to be, then it *IS* timeless. I just hope that my own selfishness hasn't messed it all up.
I used to get these feelings of Deja Vu when I was with him and I realize now, that I got those feelings when I was acting selfishly. It was the universe trying to tell me not to fuck it up again.
I know that it sounds quite delusional...but I know that even still, he loves me. And he knows that I ache for him.
I have nothing but time right now. I'm not worried about having a husband or family or...anything. All I want is my equal to return and balance me out again. And I can wait a long, long time. There really are things in life that are worth waiting for. And so, I'm going to do that, with utmost devotion.
And while I wait, I will be happy because of the amazing moments I shared with the most amazing man I know. No matter how fleeting they may have been...or how long it may be until there are more.